I’m not going to beat around the bush, my husband and I are not the picture perfect couple, and neither are you, lets all be honest about it. We all have issues with our spouse, whether it be that he leaves his hats all over the place when he gets home, even though he walks through the entry way and there is a coat rack there to hang everything on, or whether she leaves hair in the shower when there is a trash can right there next to the bathroom. Is this something that is easily overcome, of course it is. These are small little things that should never have a huge impact on our relationships, but sometimes, we are unsuccessful in keeping the frustration in and these small things can quickly escalate into a huge argument, or the verbal tone used to inform your significant other of their tiny minuet flaws.
But are we really angry about those small little things or, possibly larger problems, or are we screaming at our significant other to acknowledge our deepest cries and desires? I think so. Why do such small things escalate and create huge arguments?
I started reading the book Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs (affiliate link), refered to my by my friend. She gave it to me in Sept 2014 when my husband and I were getting married. She gave it to me at my bridal shower and had every intention of me to read it prior to my marriage. Since then I admit, it has collected dust on our bookshelf since. I recently met up with her for lunch and she asked “So whats new?” It had been about 4-5 months since our last really good talk/meetup. We both knew there had to be more than my response of “Well you know, same ol’, same ol”. She kept on me asking more questions and I slowly opened up.
Women have this tendancy to talk more openly about relationships than men do. I don’t think you will find two men at Starbucks sitting down talking about their wives and the problems or issues they are currenlty having agreeing that it is something they as well have endured. But woman, you find us at every corner with our girlfriends, talking about boyfriends, and husbands all the time. We, woman, are naturally inclined to talk about everything, we have a natural inclination to care for others, love and be loved. We need to get it out on the table and hash it out in discussion. Men on the other hand, keep everything in especially if (and little known to me) we as woman do not acknowledge their internal need to be respected.
When my daughter was born, I decided it was time to give myself to God. We started attending a Christian Church and still never knew how God could really help my marriage, how he was there for us through it all, and now, I know. We had joined a life group, and I could see how all the couples truly let God into their marriages. I don’t think we were really there, but it starts with just one to get the ball rolling. I plan on being that one. I want our marriage to be better, what marriage couldn’t stand to be better and stronger?
In this book, Dr. Eggerichs states that there have been numerous surveys done on men regarding love and respect and which one they would rather have. More than 75% of men always choose respect. Crazy because in my mind I choose love always.
“We send eachother messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to… the opening chapters of Genesis tells us God created them male and female… but what it underlines is that men and woman are very different, woman look at the world through pink sunglasses (and hear through pink hearing aids) and men look at the world through blue sunglasses (and hear through blue hearing aids)”
What the heck. I never understood anything like this before. I have always thought that I I was doing everything correctly. Turns out I had a very bad way of doing things. Since becoming a mommy, I have also changed so much. I have new priorities, but never understood that he (my husband) should still be my number 1 priority, because if we are not ok, nothing in our family and home is ok. I had heard this before but you loose focus so easily on things you shouldn’t.
I know I am all over the place on this, but there is just so much information in this book and I plan on following this post up with tons more posts regarding it and my journey of following the real life marriage guidance it supplies.
I am almost done with this book and barely getting around to talking about it, but I have been reading it for 2 days and just couldn’t put it down. It is truly inspirational. Following this book these last few days, I have already seen a shift in how my husband and I relate and talk to eachother. My hope is he will read it once I am done, and that we can attend a Love & Respect workshop when it comes back to our city.
To end this, I want to tell my husband, I RESPECT YOU! I thank you for all you do, for cooking, cleaning, doing yard work, supporting us, taking on all the resonsiblity of holding insurance for not only our daughter, but also myself, for being there when I have needed you the most and never complaining (especially when I lost both my parents), for doing crazy things I plan every weekend even though I know you would rather watch a baseball game, for being supportive of me going back to school yet again, for your dreams and aspirations, for taking on all the respoinsibility of taking care of the bills, and soooooo much more. There is so much I RESPECT about you that helps fuel the love I have in my heart for you.
Respectfully and lovingly yours always and forever, through good times and bad, through thick and thin,
Your wife (Besitos y abrazos)